flapping wings of the pageant boys

I know. It's late. I'm a bit behind on this. But after watching Tara Conner some time a year ago on Project Runway and then her again later on Miss World 2006, I started to realize the reason why there is such phrase as "pageant girls". Or why Simon Cowell might have said, "The performance is too pageant-y." I get it now.

Anyway. Thanks to that and a bit of JonBenét Ramsey's scandal and Little Miss Sunshine, I know now that pageant girls always have this aura of trained mannerisms, this-is-how-I-should-do-it smiles, memorized answers (they can memorize!), and pageant (duh) gestures. You know, the standard fanning-out-your-face-when-your-name-is-called routine, the hands-on-the-cheeks surprised act, or the blow-your-kiss-and-wave choreography.

Thanks to thousands of hours of practicing in front of a mirror.

But how about the pageant boys, then?

Because of my curiosity, I regretfully admit that I spent two hours of my not-really-precious time to see the Mr. World 2007 broadcast, just to know those mannerisms. I wouldn't talk about the show though, otherwise I will turn to a negatively condescending asshole. Well, a bit further asshole than what I already am.

So. What are the routines similar to flapping wings of a turkey when they are ready eager to mate worthy to be documented and featured in a program on Discovery Channel for these boys?

1. The I Love You All Greet. From a standing still position, proceed by putting half your palms in front of your hips. Palms face up. And then according to the tempo of your music, lift the palm up as high as your waist. Continue the motion by opening your arms until your palms are parallel with your waist. Bring your palm down. Don't lock the elbows. The crowd will go nuts.

2. The I Can't Believe They Think I'm Hotter Than Mr. Whatever Country Who Stands Beside Me Hug. Act surprised. Clap hands once or twice. Face your neighbour. Give him a manly man hug. By manly man I mean right hand over his left shoulder, left hand a bit under his underarm. Pat his back with both hands shortly once or twice. Head goes to your left.

3. The I am the Chosen One Celebration. Make a clenched fist. Bring it as high as your ears while bending your elbow. With a sudden movement, bring your elbow down to your ribs. Yell, "Yeah!" or "Yes!" or "Hrrr!" or "Wohoo..!" (for boyish charm) while doing this. But never "Oh my God!". Tips: Don't yell it orgasmically. Use both fists to make it more dramatic. Tilt your head back a bit for naturalness effect.

4. The Everybody's a Winner Clap. Ah, well, just clap hands and make some faces. You're in pageant. They all think you're all winners.