err .. I think I didn't order a bowl-of-melancholy-to-go last night ...

This is it. I still need all this to sink in. Sink. In. OK, I'm ready.

This, I think can be the last time that I'm writing an entry for this blog from this chair, at this house, in this town, on this temperature, in this country. Long story short, I'm flying back to Jakarta tomorrow morning.

Suitcases are packed. I'm scared to death that it will be overpacked (of course it is - on a non-related issue, Firefox 2.0 introduces a spelling check??) and I have to leave out some stuff here which of course I don't know what. The pants, T-shirt, Jackets, that I can't live without, well, I can't live without. I have to again apply my sister's method, I think. I have to choose between two favorites and stop being a crybaby about it.

I felt really sad for leaving. I don't know whether it is because of the fact that I hate goodbyes, or simply because everything in Hamburg had started to grow on me. I am torn, really torn. I mean, of course it will always be pleasing to know that in November you don't have to hustle everytime you're walking to keep yourself warm, or wearing a three-layered clothes, or treading in your wet shoes. In the mean time, I felt like I haven't told stories about Hamburg enough, I haven't experienced Hamburg enough. And such crap like that.

I felt really happy for leaving. I've had enough of this student-life. ENOUGH. I want to be part of the crowd of employment market as soon as possible, build a career and start my own life. Why not doing it here, you ask? Well, there are hundreds of reasons to start with. But one of the most basic ones, is that the opportunity is not there yet.

I felt really scared for leaving. You know, scared of starting something new. Starting something on my own, relying solely on what I've been told and taught (which I can tell you that it's not much), and wondering, "Is it really like what I've been thinking about?"

I felt extremely dilemmatic about leaving. I kept too many promises. I don't know if I can keep them all. And, eventhough I'm sure it's only the best for us all, but I don't see these parties that I gave my promises to (and promise me something in return of course), are ready to give 100% to keep it as well. I have to let myself wait and see.

So, just yesterday, I can't count how many times I streaked a smile on my face everytime I'm thinking about the things that I will be doing in the next few days. At the same time, I had to hold myself together like tens of times so that I wouldn't cry, and I failed three times. Already.

If we can vote what's the worst invention of humankind, my vote goes to goodbye. (I'm not sure whether goodbye is a human invention, though. Heh.)