on schminsecurity

This may come as a surprise for you lot. Yeah, what I'm about to write may surprise you.

But I am insecure. I don't really think I have a problem with my insecurity up to the point that I'm downright inconfident (that's like the motto of Insecure Anonymous, by the way), but sometimes I just prefer not meeting people I know who's gonna ask me a lot of questions about myself or prefer just being a tightly closed book or being away from people that are more this and that than me.

That's why I was sweating balls when last weekend I have to attend my college reunion. Because I know that at least one of them will still have a head full of hair, at least one of them will come and introduce someone as their wife, or first daughter, or date, or whatever. At least one of them will ask what do I do, where do I work, and stuff like that. At least one of them will comment on my body-weight or lack of it. At least one of them will ask me why did I choose to go back and forth and not spending the night in town.

For this last question, I, with all my incapability of lying will say, "Err, because, I have this awkward situation with someone whom I'd be delighted if we don't see each other until the situation is settled." And then the asker (?) will look at me strangely and say, "OK, weirdo."

I almost cancelled my departure to the reunion, but I managed to pull every bit of the fact that I do miss my best friends so much, and they knew that I was coming, and how bummed would they have been, had I not come.

So I went there. And because this is a totally different group than the people that I usually hung out with (or was tricked into hanging out with) when I was in college, I didn't plan any grand entrance. I didn't wear clothes that I usually wear (meaning I chose something a bit more conservative), and I behaved. When the elevator doors to the third floor were opened, I saw only some familiar faces. But they were not from my class. Which made things more awkward and insecuring for I didn't (and still don't) know them that well.

But when I finally met my friends, everything was like, what should I be insecure about? I mean they were the same old friends of mine. We teased each other a lot. And if someone tease me about things that I'm insecure about, I can easily tease them back about something, right? Right.

Surprisingly, there were no tease flying around when I made my non-grand entrance. Everyone said that they missed me and virtually each and every one of them asked about my whereabouts for the past four years. Of course some commented on my better posture, my darker complexion, my metabolism. Well, not my metabolism per se, but they asked, "How could you keep those weights off of you?" To which I answered, "Honestly, I have a problem to keep them on actually. That's what kind of metabolism I have." To which people rolled their eyes.

What demolished my insecurities, just like how Peter Petrelli was supposed to destroy New York, was actually when one of my friends (who is very observant, true to his words - no lip service ever -, über-blunt borderline offensive, and very smart) said, "Gosh. You look great! You look like that Maroon 5's lead singer!" He said it like twice to which I limitedly replied, "Thanks!" And since I am crappy with current music, I couldn't figure out at first who the fuck was the lead singer of Maroon 5. But I know that's a compliment.

It wasn't until five hours later when the reunion was over and I was busy having conversation with myself trying to make a peace for having made the right decision by coming, I successfully remembered who the lead singer of Maroon 5 is. I sat up straight and wondered, "Didn't we gossiped about this guy already?"

So what's the moral of the story?

Well, I think the next time I have the chance, I will say to the group that I'm gradually leaving Insecure Anonymous.

I, again, have underestimated my friends and their take on friendship. This is a really bad habit and I really really need to quit having it.

And lastly, "QUALITY" is a big word. And I think I have it written across my forehead. Bold, uppercase, huge font-size and all.

PS: I know someone out there is laughing so hard reading the last paragraph.